Heartbreak ramblings.

I haven’t felt this kind of pain in very long time. It feels like my insides have been brought out. When I stop and think about everything, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m doubtful, I’m crushed. I’m mad that life brought the two of back into each others lives after 15 years just for it to be the wrong time. I’m mad that you said we could be friends still yet it doesn’t feel like you want that in any way. I’m sad that I lost someone I felt safe with and felt like I could just be my whole self, with no judgement, with understanding. I’m doubtful I will ever feel that way again. I’m doubtful I even deserve to have someone make me feel that way. I’m confident I was falling in love with you and know that I could have really loved you. It hurts so much to know that I’ve lost one of if not the only person currently in my life that I could talk to about anything. I know that’s not fair for one person. I know that’s not healthy. But that’s what it was. Deep down, I know this is the best, honestly for both of us. I do. I know we’re in the same position in life and we both need to work on ourselves to get us back to a better place. But that’s what makes me so mad. Why would life bring us together when this is the case? We hadn’t spoken in almost 15 years, why now? Why did I need to be reintroduced to someone and made to feel this way about them only for it to have no chance of ever working. It’s not fair. And I know “life isn’t fair” but what the fuck is that. This is the type of shit that makes me want to give up on life. I never wanted to be brought to this world. I didn’t ask for this. Yet still I’m the one who has to go through it. I was only brought into this world because my own mother doesn’t believe in abortion so she had me at 19 when she shouldn’t have. The fact I even know this is the reason and not just think it’s the reason, is the killer part. I don’t see why life would ever need to make me feel like this. At a time in my life when I’m already at the lowest, why must it just drag me down further? I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel safe for a month and then be met with the feeling of “I’ll never know what it’s like to feel that way ever again”. What is the point? What was the reason? I’m so angry while crying I just want all this to end. I give up. You win life. I shouldn’t have been brought here, so I won’t even try.