Heartbreak ramblings.

I haven’t felt this kind of pain in very long time. It feels like my insides have been brought out. When I stop and think about everything, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m doubtful, I’m crushed. I’m mad that life brought the two of back into each others lives after 15 years just for it to be the wrong time. I’m mad that you said we could be friends still yet it doesn’t feel like you want that in any way. I’m sad that I lost someone I felt safe with and felt like I could just be my whole self, with no judgement, with understanding. I’m doubtful I will ever feel that way again. I’m doubtful I even deserve to have someone make me feel that way. I’m confident I was falling in love with you and know that I could have really loved you. It hurts so much to know that I’ve lost one of if not the only person currently in my life that I could talk to about anything. I know that’s not fair for one person. I know that’s not healthy. But that’s what it was. Deep down, I know this is the best, honestly for both of us. I do. I know we’re in the same position in life and we both need to work on ourselves to get us back to a better place. But that’s what makes me so mad. Why would life bring us together when this is the case? We hadn’t spoken in almost 15 years, why now? Why did I need to be reintroduced to someone and made to feel this way about them only for it to have no chance of ever working. It’s not fair. And I know “life isn’t fair” but what the fuck is that. This is the type of shit that makes me want to give up on life. I never wanted to be brought to this world. I didn’t ask for this. Yet still I’m the one who has to go through it. I was only brought into this world because my own mother doesn’t believe in abortion so she had me at 19 when she shouldn’t have. The fact I even know this is the reason and not just think it’s the reason, is the killer part. I don’t see why life would ever need to make me feel like this. At a time in my life when I’m already at the lowest, why must it just drag me down further? I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel safe for a month and then be met with the feeling of “I’ll never know what it’s like to feel that way ever again”. What is the point? What was the reason? I’m so angry while crying I just want all this to end. I give up. You win life. I shouldn’t have been brought here, so I won’t even try.

Respect.

I read an article the other day that spoke about a woman who was married discovering new ways to appreciate her husband, her relationship, and their growth. One of the things she mentioned was respecting her husband. She thought she respected him, but he wanted to be respected in ways that she currently was not. Understanding the ways he wanted to be respected, instead of just basing it on how she perceived her to be respecting him, helped their marriage and relationship become better, and them to become closer. I really took to this statement. It made me worried I wasn’t respecting my S/O in ways that made him feel respected. I reached out to him immediately to ask how he felt others respected him and to make sure he felt respected by me. He told me he did, thankfully, and I concluded that discussion by telling him if there was anything he wanted me to do that would make him happy, to just let me know.

Everything seemed good. My worry about him not feeling respected got cleared up, and I let him know that he can reach out to me if he wants me to do something for him to make him happy. But a couple days later, I found out information that made me feel like I wasn’t being respected. When I first read the article I never even stopped to think, does he respect me in the ways that I want to be respected? And after finding out this information, my answer is sadly, not a complete yes.

I want to be respected by him showing to the world that I am his, and he is mine. We became long distance in February, and things have gotten rocky. We had a fight about a month ago, and we didn’t speak for about 3-4 days. In this time, he changed his profile photo to no longer have me in it, and made his relationship status go from public (ie. showing on the main page of his profile) to friends only (ie. you only see it if you click on the “about” section of his profile). We have since made up, and everything is better, we’re back to saying I love you, back to Skyping/calling as often as we can. However, he still hasn’t put his relationship status back to public.

I wouldn’t have such an issue with this, if he hadn’t specifically done it while we weren’t talking. It felt like an attack on me, like it was a not-so-subtle way of saying “I’m reconsidering this relationship and I’m trying to make it easier on myself by slowly making it seem like I’m single to see how it feels”. I’ve brought up how much it bothers me multiple times, and he both ignores me when I do and waits hours or even until the next day to change the subject, while also not changing it back.

Now, on top of this, he goes around on Facebook groups telling girls to “slide into his dm’s” with an “ass pic”. Instead, when someone mentions a new girl getting added to the same group, he says “is she single? asking for a friend”. Saying those things to girls he doesn’t know are upsetting enough. But to know that when they then click on his profile, it doesn’t state anywhere that he is in a relationship? Makes me feel sick. But once again, if I bring this up, I typically get 3 eye roll emoji’s sent to me. Which really, just further upsets me, so I’m not sure what his game plan is there. But if I push that topic any further, what have I gotten? Ignored.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for him, or maybe even people in general, to just respect how a person feels. This is the man I’ve been with for nearly a year and a half, the man who says he wants to spend his life with me, the man who says he loves me. But yet, he can’t for some reason be bothered to put his relationship status back to public now that we’re better? All it does is make me feel as if he is still having doubts about us, as if he is still wanting to end things. Which then just perpetuates more negative feelings about everything and makes me unable to see when he’s just “joking around”.

At this point I just want to be respected enough for him to respond to me stating how I feel, with some sort of – not rebuttal, but at least a conversation as to why he won’t, or why he doesn’t want to. I feel like I should at least be owed that much.

Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe my idea of being respected is too “out there” and too “over the top” and I’m being “unrealistic”. Or maybe it’s just…….

nobody knows

it’s roughly 3:30 in the morning on a tuesday night/wednesday morning, and all i can think about is how my life is no where near where i expected it to be at my age. i guess you could say, that’s part of the reason i’ve decided to move across the world the month before i turn 25. so i can turn 25 in a new country, new life, new start, and maybe get things done the proper way, the way they should have already gone by now. nobody really knows what pushed me to decide to move. yes, i’ve always wanted to visit london ever since i can remember. yes, when i went i didn’t want to leave and i felt so comfortable and just felt like i was where i should be. but shortly after getting back, i had a huge falling out with one of the best friends i think i’ve possibly ever had, and i was crushed. it was 90% my fault, and i couldn’t do anything to change what had happened, and i felt miserable. and i decided, fuck it, i’m not staying in this country where i don’t feel welcome, where i don’t feel like i belong, where i feel like i have no one.

nearly 2 years later, i’ve saved 12.5k, only 2.5k away from what i set out to have prior to leaving. i know what visa i need to get, i’m planning on setting off in october, and i’m terrified. i’m scared to be somewhere new, all by myself. i’m scared to move all my stuff, find a bank, find a flat, and have everything come crashing down on me 6 months after i get there and be a failure. i’m scared to leave the couple people i consider “friends” (when really, it’s friends when we see each other, but never any real plans to hang out). but i’m also excited. i’m excited to live somewhere new, start fresh, be on my own, have my own life, be away from everything that has ever happened here. and if i fail and only stay 6 months and my money has all gone down the drain, then it will be the damn best 6 months of my entire life. and at least after that, i can say i feel like i actually did something with myself, and i actually tried to do something that i felt passionate about. maybe then, i can feel a little bit happier in this world.

take a dip

okay, i think i need to change “new music monday” to just simply music monday. because lately i haven’t been listening to ‘new’ music, but simply getting into older songs again. this song is an example, i heard it during the summer before i even created this blog, when i was looking at things to do in the summer. this band was going to be performing in toronto for the open roof festival the same day i had wanted to see locke. it’s definitely not the typical kind of music i enjoy, and the music video is certainly strange, but every now and then i come back to this song because there is just something about it that makes it so enjoyable.

i also realize it’s not technically monday anymore but, i haven’t gone to sleep yet for monday so it’s kinda sorta still my monday. anyway, i hope you enjoyed this song, i know it’s probably not for everybody.

edits

so i had a late night of self misery and wanting to leave the town i currently live in. i know where i want to move to (london), it’s just about having money. so instead, i went through my london album on facebook, saved some photos, and decided to edit them – nothing special, just some small things here and there. i’ll post before and after’s.

sometimes i just like to see what kind of things i can still do in photoshop. i used to use it all the time when i was in a photography program, but i haven’t used it (or my camera) since. these were both taken on my phone, and i definitely like the ‘after’ photos a lot more, especially of hagrids bike.

well, that’s it for this 4am post. i’m such an owl/have the worst sleeping schedule. but i’m going to a screening of pride tomorrow(/tonight?) so i’m looking forward to that! i wanted to see it at tiff, but the only showtimes were either when i was already planning to see another movie, or during riot fest.

 

happy go sucky fucky

first things first [i’m a realist], i didn’t post a new music monday last week since after seeing Dead Tired and Say Yes at riot fest (two new bands from previous alexisonfire members) i just kept listening to alexisonfire most of the week.

as well though, i saw die antwoord at riot fest (which was amazing to see). and when i was in my local hmv the other day to see what sales they have, because their closing, i saw that they actually have a new cd. this weeks new music monday is the song i’ve been listening to non stop off their new album. i don’t even know how many times i listened to their older one, ten$ion, so i imagine i’m going to be listening to this album a lot as well.

really different kind of music, but i’m a fan of mostly everything, so here’s this weeks song, happy go sucky fucky by die antwoord.

also super sorry about not posting mini reviews on the last 5 movies i saw at tiff. that will be coming super shortly! hope you enjoyed the song, and sorry to any of those it’s a little too crazy for.

i tried

today’s new music monday is by an artist/group called maylee todd. this year at tiff, they had a thing called “festival street” where they blocked king st from university ave to spadina. while i was walking down it on thursday before seeing clouds of sils maria, i heard this band performing this song and went to go get a better listen.

i don’t know, i had a lot of feelings when i heard them performing this song. i guess mainly because the singer put so much effort into it. it just feels soulful.

dangerous

yikes, it’s wednesday. starting to wonder if i should just wait till next monday before posting a new music “monday”. i apologize, i haven’t turned my computer on since sunday when i bought my tiff tickets.

i guess it’s better late than never? regardless, this weeks song i wanted to share with you is dangerous by big data featuring joywave. now, don’t ask me what i think this music video is supposed to mean, or even be, because i’m quite unsure. i contemplated not posting the video and just posting a plain video, but thought maybe someone reading this would have their theory about what this video is trying to say mixed with the song?

i hope you enjoy the song, as late as it may be. i find it quite catchy, and truthfully, i haven’t been listening to it a lot this week, it’s just the newest song i’ve listened to a couple times in the past week. recently i’ve been listening to really old songs by putting my ipod on shuffle. it’s amazing what you can bring back!

the river

this weeks new music monday is a toronto band that’s growing in popularity due to them/this song being played on indie 88 (88.1 fm), which is how i first heard of the river by the darcy’s. this song just kind of stuck with me. i haven’t had a chance to check out any of their other songs yet, but i am looking forward to them if i enjoy them as much as this one.

i think i like the guitar that takes place around the chorus the most. but overall it’s a rather enjoyable song. hope you enjoy it as much as i have been this past week!

arrival to earth

so the other day i decided to try something new. i had the urge to edit something, nothing too hardcore, but i just wanted to take something into adobe premier pro and edit it. so i downloaded a bunch of transformers (the first movie) clips. i then went through them, cut out anything i knew i didn’t want to use, and then had to figure out how to put them together. 

at first i was thinking of create my own trailer. but when i was figuring out what music to use, and chose the arrival to earth song by steve jablonsky, i decided to just edit clips together that matched with the style of the music. i did tweak the song a bit, but it’s mostly the same. the only thing i don’t really like about my end result is how it ends. but i didn’t have any clips from the actual ending of the movie, so i just kind of had to abruptly stop it. 

anyway, here is the final result of the video. i hope you guys enjoy it. maybe i’ll try doing similar things in the future. i’ve always enjoyed doing simple edits, they keep me from being bored and aren’t the most annoying thing in the world. idk, who knows what this will mean, for now it’s just something i kind of had fun doing.